i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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