I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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