I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
