Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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