What did we do last night that was yellow?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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