i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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