He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
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That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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