Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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