Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
