He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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