Already got asked if we're dating
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
