Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize