i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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