Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
