I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
