Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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