i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
