i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
