the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
