I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
