I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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