PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
