U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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