I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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