i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
