I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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