Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
