Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
