The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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