1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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