i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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