Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
