he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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