I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
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Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
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btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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