Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
