My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
