I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
