i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
