She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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