the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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