She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
