I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
