i barfeds in our rink
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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