I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
