I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
