I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
