Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
