watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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