Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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