we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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