It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
