I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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