thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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