i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
