she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sober January is a disaster.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
