shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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