ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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