Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
